ROAD MAP

INTRODUCTION 1 From Push to Pull
WHAT COUNTS AS FEEDBACK?
A BRIEF HISTORY OF FEEDBACK
PULL BEATS PUSH
THE TENSION BETWEEN LEARNING AND BEING ACCEPTED
THE BENEFITS OF RECEVING WELL
DIGGING FOR PONIES

THE FEEDBACK CHALLENGE

1. THREE TRIGGERS
That Biock Feedhack

THREE FEEDBACK TRIGGERS
WHY WE GET TRIGGERED AND WHAT HELPS

1. TRUTH TRIGGERS: THE FEEDBACK IS WRONG, UNFAIR, UNHELPFUL
Separate Appreciation, Coaching, and Evaluation
First Understand
See Your Blind Spots

2. RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS:CAN'T HEAR THIS FEEDBACK FROM you
Don't Switchtrack: Disentangle What from Who
Identify the Relationship System

3. IDENTITY TRIGGERS: THE FEEDBACK IS THREATENING AND I'M OFF BALANCE
Learn How Wiring and Temperament Affect Your Story
Dismantie Distortions
Cultivate a Growth Identity

TRUTH TRIGGERS

2. SEPARATE APPRECIATION, COACHING, AND EVALUATION
ONE DAD, TWO REACTIONS
THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF FEEDBACK
APPRECIATION
COACHING
EVALUATION
WE NEEDALLTHREE
EVALUATION SHORTFALLS
APPRECIATION SHORTFALLS
COACHING SHORTFALLS
BEWARE CROSS-TRANSACTIONS
A COMPLICATION: THERE IS ALWAYS EVALUATION IN COACHING
WHAT HELPS?
GET ALIGNED: KNOW THE PURPOSE AND DISCUSS IT
SEPARATE EVALUATION FROM COACHING AND APPRECIATION

3. FIRST UNDERSTAND
Shift from "That's Wrong" to "Tell Me More"
WE'RE GOOD AT WRONG SPOTTING 46 UNDERSTANDING ISJOB ONE
FEEDBACK ARRIVES WITH GENERIC LABELS
GIVER AND RECEIVER INTERPRETTHE LABEL DIFFERENTLY
Play "Spot the Label"
WHAT'S UNDER THE LABEL?
Coming From and Going To
ASK WHERE THE FEEDBACK IS COMING FROM
They Observe Data
They interpret the Data
They Confuse Data and Interpretation (We Ali Do)

ASK WHERE THE FEEDBACK IS GOING
When Receiving Coaching: Clarify Advice
When Receiving Evaluation:
Clarify Consequences and Expectations
SHIFT FROM WRONG SPOTTING TO DIFFERENCE SPOTTING
DIFFERENT DATA
Biases Drive Data Coliection
DIFFERENCES IN INTERPRETATION
Implicit Rules
Heroes and Viliains
ASK: WHAT'S RIGHT?
WHEN YOU STILL DISAGREE
"WHY CAN'T FEEDBACKJUST BE OBJECTIVE?"
A CONVERSATION WITH COMMENTARY
Paul's Preparation: Mindset and Goals
The Conversation

4. SEE YOUR BLIND SPOTS
Discover How You Come Across
THE GAP MAP
BEHAVIORAL BLIND SPOTS
YOUR LEAKY FACE
YOUR LEAKY TONE
YOUR LEAKY PATTERNS
E-MAIL BODY LANGUAGE
THEY MAY SEE EXACTLY WHATWE ARE TRYING TO HIDE
THREE BLIND-SPOT AMPLIFIERS
AMPLIFIER 1: EMOTIONAL MATH
AMPLIFIER 2: SITUATION VERSUS CHARACTER
AMPLIFIER 3: IMPACT VERSUS INTENT
THE RESULT: OUR (GENERALLY POSITIVE) SELF
WE COLLUDE TO KEEP EACH OTHER IN THE DARK

WHAT HELPS US SEE OUR BLIND SPOTS?
USE YOUR REACTION ASA BLIND-SPOT ALERT
ASK:HOW DO I GET IN MY OWN WAY?
LOOK FOR PATTERNS
GET A SECOND OPINION
Honest Mirrors Versus Supportive Mirrors

RECORD YOUR SELF FOCUS ON CHANGE FROM THE INSIDE OUT
HAVE A PURPOSE

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS

5.DON'T SWITCH TRACK
Diseritangle What from Who

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS CREATE
SWITCH TRACK CONVERSATIONS
SWITCH TRACKING DEFEATS FEEDBACK
SILENT SWITCH TRACKING CAN BE WORSE
TWO RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS

WHAT WE THINK ABOUT THEM
SkiIl or Judgment: How, When, or Where They Gave the Feedback
Credibility: They Don't Know What They're
Taiking About
Trust: Their Motives Are Suspect
SURPRISE PLAYERS IN THE FEEDBACK GAME
Strangers
Those You Least Like and Who Are Least Like You
HOW WE FEEL TREATED BY THEM
Appreciation
Autonomy
Acceptance

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS: WHAT HELPS?

SPOT THE TWO TOPICS
GIVE EACH TOPIC ITS OWN TRACK
Signposting
LISTEN FOR THE RELATIONSHIP !SSUES LURKING BENEATH THEIR 'ADVICE"
LOUIE AND KIM: TAKE TWO

6. IDENTJFY THE RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM
Take Three Steps Back

WHO IS THE PROBLEM AND WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?
SEE THE RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM
TAKE THREE STEPS BACK
ONE STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS
TWO STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES AND ACCI DENTAL ADVERSARIES
THREE STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE (OTHER PLAYERS, PROCESSES, POLICIES, AND STRUCTURES)
FEEDBACK THROUGH A SYSTEMS LENS
THE BENEFITS OF A SYSTEMS LENS
IT'S MORE ACCURATE
IT MOVES US AWAY FROM NEEDLESSJUDGMENT
IT ENHANCES ACCOUNTABILITY
IT HELPS CORRECT OUR TENDENCY TO SHIFT OR ABSORB
Blame Absorbers: It's Ali Me
Blame Shifters: It's Not Me
IT HELPS US AVOID "FIXES THAT FAIL"
TALKING ABOUT SYSTEMS
BEONTHELOOKOUT
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART
"HERES WHAT WOULD HELP ME CHANGE"
LOOK FOR THEMES. IS THIS A ME + EVERYBODY INTERSECTION?
USE THE SYSTEM TO SUPPORT CHANGE (NOT THWART IT)

IDENTITY TRUGGERS

7. LEARN HOW WIRING AND TEMPERAMENT AFFECT YOUR STORY
THE LIBERATION OF HARD WIRING
A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT YOURSELF ON FEEDBACK
1. Baseline: The Beginning and End of the Arc
2. Swing: How Far Up or Down You Go
Bad Is Stronger Than Good
3. Sustain and Recovery: How Long Does the Swing Lasi? Negative Recovery: Righty or Lefty?
Sustaining Positive Fee!ings
Four Sustain/Recovery Combinations
WIRING IS ONLY PART OF THE STORY
THE MAGIC 40
EMOTIONS DISTORT OUR SENSE OF THE FEEDBACK ITSELF
OUR STORIES HAVE AN EMOTIONAL SOU NDTRACK
THOUGHTS + FEELINGS = STORY
HOW FEELINGS EXAGGERATE FEEDBACK
OUR PAST: THE GOOGLE BIAS
OUR PRESENT: NOT ONE THING, EVERYTHING
OUR FUTURE: THE FORE VER BIAS AND SNOWBALLING

8. DISMANTLE DISTORTIONS
See Feedback at "Actual Size"
SETH TAKES A RELAXING VACATION
FIVE WAYS TO DISMANTLE DISTORTIONS
1. BE PREPARED, BE MINDFUL
Know Your Feedback Footprint
Inoculate Yourself Against the Worst 168 Notice What's Happening

2. SEPARATE THE STRANDS: FEELING / STORY / FEEDBACK
Our Stories Shadowbox with the Past

3. CONTAIN THE STORY
Use a Feedback Containment Chart
Draw the Balancing Picture
Right-Size the Future Consequences

4. CHANGE YOUR VANTAGE POINT
Imagine You're an Observer
Look Back from the Future
Cast the Comedy

5. ACCEPT THAT YOU CANT CONTROL HOW OTHERS SEE YOU
Have Compassion for Them
WHEN LIFE COMES DOWN HARD
DROWNING
ASK FOR SUPPORT

9. CULTIVATEAGROWTH IDENTITY
Sort Toward Coaching

FEEDBACK CAN ROCK OUR SENSE OF SELF
IDENTITY: OUR SELF-STORY
IS YOUR IDENTITY BRITTLE OR ROBUST?
GIVE UP SIMPLE LABELS AND CULTIVATE COMPLEXITY
KEEP IT OUT OR LET IT IN?
EMBRACE IDENTITY NUANCE
THREE THINGS TO ACCEPT ABOUT YOURSELF
You Wil! Make Mistakes
You Have Complex Intentions
You Have Contributed to the Problem
YOU'VE BEEN COMPLICATED ALL ALONG
SHIFT FROM A FIXED MINDSET TO A GROWTH MINDSET
PUZZLING KIDS
FIXE VERSUS GROWTH ASSUMPTIONS
BUT AREN'T SOME TRAITS FIXED?

IMPLICATIONS FOR HOW WE RESPOND TO FEEDBACK AND CHALLENGE
The Accuracy of Our Self-Perception
How We Listen to Feedback
How We Respond to Struggle Can Create Self-fulfihling
Prophecies
The Framing Matters
MOVE TOWARD A GROWTH IDENTITY
PRACTICE *1: SORT TOWARD COACHING
Hear Coaching as Coaching
When Coaching and Evaluation Get Tangled
PRACTICE *2: UNPACKJUDGMENT FROM THE EVALUATION SUITCASE
PRACTICE *3: GIVE YOURSELF A SECOND SCORE"

FEEDBACK IN CONVERSATION

10. HOW GOOD DO I HAVE TO BE?
Draw Bouridaries When Enough Is Enough
FINDING BOUNDARIES, SETTING BOUNDARIES
THREE BOUNDARIES
1. 1 MAY NOT TAKE YOUR ADVICE
2.1 DON'T WANT FEEDBACK ABOUT THAT SUBJECT, NOT RIGHT NOW
3. STOP, OR I WILL LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP
HOW DO I KNOW IF BOUNDARIES ARE NEEDED?
DO THEY ATTACK VOUR CHARACTER, NOTJUST YOUR BEHAVIOR?
IS THE FEEDBACK UNRELENTING?
WHEN VOU DO CHANGE, IS THERE ALWAVS ONE MORE DEMAND?
DOES THE FEEDBACK GIVER TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP HOSTAGE?
ARE THEY ISSUING WARNINGS—OR MAKING THREATS?
IS IT ALWAYS YOU WHO HAS TO CHANGE?
ARE YOUR VIEWS AND FEELINGS A LEGITIMATE PART OF THE
RELATIONSHIP?

WHERE BOUNDARIES WOULD HELP: SOME COMMON RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

THE CONSTANT CRITIC
HATE-LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIPS
RENOVATION RELATIONSHIPS
BUTWAIT, DOES THATMEAN ... ?
TURNING AWAY FEEDBACK WITH GRACE AND HONESTY
BE TRANSPARENT: ACTUALLY TELL THEM
BE FIRM—AND APPRECIATIVE
REDIRECT UNHELPFUL COACHING
USE "AND"
BE SPECIFIC ABOUT YOUR REQUEST
DESCRI BE CONSEQUENCES
YOU HAVE A DUTY TO MITIGATE THE COST TO OTHERS
INQUIRE ABOUT, AND ACKNOWLEDGE, THE IMPACT ON THEM
COACH THEM TO DEAL WITH THE UNCHANGED YOU
PROBLEM SOLVE TOGETHER

11. NAVIGATE THE CONVERSATION
KEYFRAMES OF THE CONVERSATION
THE ARC OF THE CONVERSATION: OPEN-BODY-CLOSE 230 OPEN BY GETTING ALIGNED
CLARIFY PURPOSE, CHECK STATUS
1. Is This Feedback? If So, Wbat Kind?
2. Who Decides?
3. Is This Final or Negotiable?
YOU CAN INFLUENCE THE FRAME AND AGENDA
BODY: FOUR SKILLS FOR MANAGING THE CONVERSATION
LISTEN FOR WHATS RIGHT(AND WHY THEY SEE IT DIFFERENTLY)
Your Internal Voice Is Crucial
Triggered: From Assistant to Bodyguard

When Enipathy Shuts Down
What Helps? Listen with a Purpose
Prepare to Listen
Find the Trigger Patterns
And Then Negotiate
Listening's Second Purpose: To Let Them Know
You Hear Them
Beware Hot Inquiry
ASSERT WHATS LEFT OUT
Shift from "I'm Right" to 'Here's What's Left Out"
Common Assertion Mistakes
TruthMistakes
Relationship Mistakes
identity Mistakes
BE YOUR OWN PROCESS REFEREE
Process Moves: Diagnose, Describe, Propose
PROBLEM SOLVE TO CREATE POSSIBILITIES
Create Possibilities
Dig for Underlying Interests
Three Sources of Jntcrests Behind Feedback
Generate Options
CLOSE WITH COMMITMENT
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER: A CONVERSATION IN MOTION
AN EVALUATION CONVERSATION ABOUT RATINGS AND BON USES
Version One
Version Two
Version Three
Version Four: A More SkiIlfuI Conversation

12. GET GOING
Five Ways to Take Action
NAME ONE THING
ASK: "WI-IAT'S ONE THING YOU SEE ME DOING
THAT GETS IN MY OWN WAY?"

LISTEN FOR THEMES
ASK WHAT MATTERS TO THEM 260 TRY SMALL EXPERIMENTS
DONT DECIDE, EXPERIMENT
Try It On
Try It Out
You May Be Surprised
IT'S NOT ALL-AND-ALWAYS 264 RIDE OUT THEJ CURVE
TWO DECISION MAKERS
INCREASE THE POSITIVE APPEAL OF CHANGE
Make It Social
Keep Score
INCREASE THE COST OF NOT CHANGING
Tie Yourself to the Mast
Recognize the J Curve
COACH YOUR COACH
WHAT COACHING YOUR COACH DOESN'T MEAN
TALKABOUT"FEEDBACKANDYOU"
DISCUSS PREFERENCES, ROLES, AND MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS
HIERARCHYANDTRUST
DON'T BECOME A GIMME-FEEDBACK FANATIC
YOUR COACH CAN HELP YOU GET IN SYNC
WHEN THE PERSON BEING COACHED IS THE BOSS
INVITE THEM IN
A GOOD LISTENER ASKS FOR HELP
A FRUSTRATED ADVISER OPENS UP
PERFECT FEEDBACK FOR THE PERFECT PERSON
SHIFTING MIRRORS
We Triangulate for Comfort, but Not Coaching
Hank Has a Hunch
Make Two Lists to Stay on Track

13. PULLTOGETHER
FeedBack ia Organizations

THERE ARE NO PERFECT FEEDBACK SYSTEMS
CAN'T LIVE WITH IT, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT
WHAT LEADERSHIP AND HR CAN DO
1. DON'T JUST TRUMPET BENEFITS, EXPLAIN TRADEOFFS
2. SEPARATE APPRECIATION, COACHING, AND EVALUATION
3. PROMOTE A CULTURE OF LEARNERS
Highlight Learning Stories
Cultivate Growth Ideritities Discuss Second Scores
Create Multitrack Feedback
Leverage Positive Social Norming
WHAT TEAM LEADERS AND FEEDBACK GIVERS CAN DO
1. MODEL LEARNING, REQUEST COACHING
2. AS GIVERS, MANAGE MINDSET AND IDENTITY
3. BE AWARE OF HOW INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES COLLIDE IN ORGANIZATIONS
WHAT RECEIVERS CAN DO